as a man

i am not strong enough physically and mentally.. yes.. as a man, people expected to see somebody who are strong and brave.. physically and mentally.. most of the time i feel like i am too weak.. too weak compared to other man..

i cant even stand for something very simple.. although i have plenty of friends, it doesnt mean all of them care about me.. it doesnt matter for me if they dont care about me, but please do not hurt me.. maybe sometimes i am too sensitive..

you want to know why? because of the pressures around me.. friends.. life as a teenage.. my family.. life as colleague.. everything seems want to stress me..

thats why sometimes i choose to silent.. for me, silent is one of the best way to overcome anything.. any problem.. but it has its own disadvantage.. when i am silent, i cant express my feeling and it will always hunting me..

i hate this kind of feeling.. i wish i can have another person in my self.. means two soul in a body.. yeah.. it is a ridiculous idea but i cant stand anymore.. i need someone to talk to.. i cant silent forever.. haha.. i am getting mad.. i am mad because of my self..

i wish i have hamsters.. at least i got somebody to talk to although hamsters will never talk.. somebody to listen to my story.. somebody to listen my cry..

yeah.. although i am a guy.. i can cry.. it have been a while i didnt cry.. it is not i dont want but i cant.. something stop me from crying.. this week.. last sunday.. i almost cry.. i miss my family very much..

and i cant do anything.. i just can talk to them once in a while.. i cant let they know that i miss them so much.. if not.. my mum's tears will drop if she know that i miss my family so much and i cant even go home.. and i almost cry last sunday.. i feel like i need them very much.. i can only be with them while they are still alive.. but i wasted the time.. for my education.. for me dream.. for my parents dream..

i feel like i cant for graduation day anymore.. because on that day.. my parent will come and watch me on the stage, receiving my certificate.. the best moment of my life.. i wish it will come true..

not only that.. if i fly to canada this coming autumn, i will keep my money a bit.. by month.. so that my whole family can see my graduation.. i will make sure they will attend it.. but what can we do.. i just can plan it.. and only God can decide it..

yes.. my post.. always show how weak i am until i cant stand anymore.. i need to write to express my feeling because i choose to silent my self.. yeah.. life is not always what we hope.. even that, i wish i can have better life in future.. life with less problem..

my principle before fly:
i will fly if and only if i can control my homesickness..
i will fly if and only if we are not going to meet each other again..

i don't know what to say...

i don't know how to start.. maybe this time i should not talk about my heart condition.. ya.. i know.. although i am not feeling well physically and emotionally, lets forget about it for a while.. other things first..

first of all, my second IELTS.. adoi.. overall not bad.. but.. the reading paper really tough.. honestly.. i read the passages.. but i don't know what i am reading about.. i don't know where to find the answers.. it is not only me.. most of my friend also.. listening part, not so bad.. the first two part,i still can understand what they are talking about.. when it comes to the third part, oh my god.. i lost for the first 3 questions of the third part.. you want to know why??? because both speaker using different slang.. one use Canada slang where not a big problem to me but another one, seems like she use Australian or US slang.. well.. what can i say.. i am retaking it because i want to get better result.. hmm.. we will see the result within 2 weeks..

secondly, about my graduation this coming June.. i don't know what to say.. maybe you guys will think that i am a selfish son.. i don't care what people want to say.. what i know is, i would like to see my parent in the ceremony, my FIRST graduation.. i had told my parent about the graduation ceremony.. and they promised me that they will try their best to be in the ceremony.. hehe.. my first graduation, i want they to be there especially my dad because i want them to see their son on the stage, together with other people's son and daughter.. i want to make them proud.. proud of my success.. i want to prove that what they had done for me since i was born is WORTHY.. therefore, my dad, my mum, although i know that you guys will never read this, let my friends who read this blog, be the witness that I will make sure my self be a successful son and a good person.. i will do whatever i can to make you proud..

thirdly, my study.. adoi.. i don't know how to start.. so far,my results are not bad.. actually i should be in really bad condition because i got a BAD mark for my latest geometry test.. but i don't know what happened to my sense and my feeling.. i felt nothing the moment i received the paper.. so weird.. i know that my mark will drop, but i still can relax.. whatever.. i will fix it.. i still have time.. about my English.. well.. the play King Lear really interesting.. i love the plot.. although it is quite bored when read it in class, the story line really make me love it.. well,William Shakespeare wrote it.. hehe.. my physics? hmm.. how to say.. test? hehe.. maybe i will receive the paper tomorrow.. only if my lecturer,Mr Tan finished checked it.. i wish that my result will be great because.. i don't know.. i feel like i started to love physics.. it really an interesting subject.. maybe i should change my course after this, from biostudent to engine student.. hehe..

last but not least.. my projects.. for all subject.. English? well.. part one of CPT done and i had received the mark.. wow.. not a bad although i didn't get full mark.. Geometry? hmm.. i am glad to be in the same group with Ungku Hafiz and Dzulhafizi.. hehe.. why? because they gave a very good cooperation.. really satisfy me although i am not the mastermind.. well,at least they always give respond when i am asking them.. my physics? hoho.. i don't know what to say and i don't want to say anything.. why? haha.. because i don't know who is the leader of my group.. but.. everything they ask me.. as if i am the mastermind.. am i??? if yes, i wonder why.. when i am planning to do physics discussion, you guys want to do your geometry project.. ok.. i followed you guys.. i gave you guys time.. but as soon as i started to do my geometry project, suddenly.. out of blue.. you guys asking me about the physics progress.. asked me when did "we" should discuss.. haha.. isn't that obvious??? you guys don't know anything and don't care about it..
adoi.. if like this, susah la.. how can i know everything?? how can i do everything on my own?? you guys leave it to me for a month.. without asking anything.. some of them did.. and then suddenly asked me about the progress.. haha.. what a lovely question.. i am not a robot.. i am still a normal human.. i don't know what you guys thinking about, but PLEASE.. i am begging you guys.. PLEASE give full cooperation.. we are lack of idea.. and we only have one month for it.. one month to do everything.. plan it, make it, do lab report about it.. and i really concern about this project because it really affect our final result.. whatever la.. i wish that i can finish both on time..

well.. this time.. i think.. i manage to overcome my feeling.. hehe.. i will try my best not to write about it anymore.. and.. thanks guys.. spending your time reading my blog.. see ya!!