end of my holiday

hoho.. finally my bored holiday almost end.. 2 days more.. but i am already in Ridz.. why??? because my roommate miss me and i miss my life in Ridz.. hehe..

actually when i am in Ridz, i miss my family in kedah.. i am always counting day when is the holiday will come.. finally, the holiday came.. but it is too long.. for me, 3 to 4 days is enough.. what can i do.. Taylors gave me a week.. then i just go back enjoy my one week holiday..

on the last day before go back, i am too moody.. hehe.. i should not be like that.. but i really2 miss my family at that moment.. until in my physics class, i can't concentrate on what mr Tan teaching.. in my mind, only kedah + my family.. nothing else.. until one of my friend wanna hit me because ignoring her.. hehe.. who cares??? u are nothing to me anymore.. my family is more important than u..

actually, too many thing occurred during the holiday but i can only remember some of it.. why??? hehe.. because when i am in Ridz, i miss kedah.. but as soon as i arrived kedah, i already miss my life in Ridz.. what can i do at the mean time??? only go on with my holiday.. hehe..

u wanna know what makes my holiday really2 bored??? no siblings.. 2 of my siblings go back to their school on the next day after i arrived kedah.. just left another 2.. but useless.. not all of my siblings are home.. the next few days..

quite number of things occurred.. the most significant was as wrote in my previous post.. i feel glad after i had made the decision.. i feel free.. really2 free.. nothing to worry about.. hehe..

u know.. human is weird.. for instance, when i went home, i am seldom message with other friends.. only few of them.. then somebody said to me after the holiday, "u are so arrogant.. when u go back, already forget about me, not even message me or reply my message.." i admitted that.. i am ignoring u during the holiday.. alright, fine.. during my latest holiday, which means now la, almost finish already.. i messaged u.. for three days a row.. then, on the third day, night, your word seems like u don't like i SMS u.. fine, then i stopped.. and yesterday.. u said to me "why u stop SMS me??? are u sulking???"

huh??? u know what.. at the moment, i feel like wanna hit your head.. but seems u are a girl, i can't do that.. actually i don't know what u want.. when i am not messaging u, u said i already forget about you.. but when i messaged u, your words doesn't seem like u ok with that.. *sigh.. "orang ini sangat susah untuk difahami".. hehe.. my best friend's favorite words..

whatever la.. i don't want to think about that anymore.. i will pretend as those thing never happened..

hoho.. another thing happened was my semi semester result.. i am so happy.. the marks are just enough for me to fly this august.. but for me, the result are not enough good.. i must improve it.. furthermore, it just semi semester result.. still have another half semester..
the most difficult part is maintaining the result.. hopefully i can not only maintaining the result but also improving it.. yeah.. i can do it!!!

no matter what happen, i will fly to CANADA this coming August/September.. nothing can stop me..

one final decision???

actually, i don't know how to start.. my life starting to deteriorate.. it should not be like that because i already have everything that i want.. although it should be a perfect life, happy, no sad, there were one more thing that i couldn't achieve.. maybe forever.. i am the winner and always a winner in other thing but in this thing, i am a loser and always a loser.. since the beginning.. since i started to know it..

i started to learn about it since form three.. i thought my first time will be great but it is not as easy as i thought.. maybe because i don't believe in long distance relationship.. when i am moving from my old school to better school, the relationship end there.. but both of us still contact each other even though no serious relationship,just ordinary friend..

in form four.. i changed my style.. i tried to accept someone who love me.. maybe because it is hard to find somebody who i love and can accept me.. this one also long distance relationship.. once again, i am failed.. the relationship only last for a month...

the same year,in form four.. i felt in love once again and until now, i still remember her.. she is my junior.. gonna take SPM this year.. but this time,i didn't do anything.. i just see her from far away.. why? because she is too good for me.. i didn't dare to tell her my feeling.. i kept it for two years till i finished my study in secondary school.. actually until now.. hehe..

as time flew, i tried to forget about love.. i want to focus on my study.. i wish i could forget about love.. in that process, i tried to ignore all my feeling, my heart.. but suddenly u came into my life..
why did u appeared during the process???

u came into my life.. i gave everything that i could give to u.. i lend u my hand whenever u need it.. i lend u my ear whenever u are sad.. i just see without doing anything when u stole my heart, my soul, my mind, everything..

and the 1st time in my life, i confessed my feeling to a girl face to face.. and that girl is u.. i thought what i had sacrificed all this while is enough to get your heart.. but it is not enough.. u ask me to wait.. let the time decide it.. i had wait.. for a very2 long time for me.. among the longest moment of my life.. i can wait for another hours, months, years and even forever.. waiting for u..

recently, i just realize that.. your heart will never belongs to me.. your heart belongs to somebody else.. but u didn't admit it.. yes, i know.. both of u don't have any relationship.. but i can read it from both of u faces..

your heart belongs to him.. and his heart belongs to u.. what a great guy.. he managed to get the heart which i had aimed for long time.. yes.. i had to admit that.. u are greater than me.. u deserve her and she deserve u..

u guys gonna be a great couple.. as i realize that.. i will stop hunting her heart.. because it will be a waste to hunt something that not exist for me anymore..

sometimes, i feel like you are making fun of me.. u are playing with my heart.. maybe because i am too kind.. softhearted..

i should be somebody who i used to be before.. no love.. no special friend.. not too caring to somebody who don't really need it.. such as u.. stop being softhearted.. be more cruel.. hehe.. not really.. only in some case..

or maybe i should accept my friend suggestion.. stop hunting for somebody who i love.. try to accept somebody who dare to accept me and can love me.. maybe that is the best for a loser like me..

finally, the part u are waiting for..
this is my final word/decision for now because we don't know what will happen in future..
u have my word..
although this is the hardest thing to say, i have to..
i am not going to disturb u anymore..
no matter what happen, we always friend.. ALWAYS FRIEND..
u still can ask my help or anything but it is not going to be the same as before..
to u, the lucky guy a.k.a. my friend..
please take care of her with your life..
she deserve it..
treat her the best u can..
make sure she always happy when she with u..
thats all..
good luck guys..
i will pray for u guys happiness..



~end of loser's story~
~asyraf90~

im speechless...

haiz...
i don't know how to start it...
my head...
my mind...
my soul...
all empty...
it is not my life are not happy...
but...
i don't know what it is...
that makes me feel empty...

sometimes...
i think it is my love prob...
but it is not...
because i am not asking anything in for it...
i am not asking that girl to accept me...
but sometimes...
i am tired...
tired of waiting...
but i can still wait...
and i will wait till the last breath of my life...
if i have to...

i know...
how u feel right now... my dear...
i admit my mistake...
for telling you the truth...
that i love you...
but i have to...
i thought it is ok after i confess to you...
face to face...
the thing i never did before...
although i have experienced...

but...
what in my mind is...
why don't you just reject me???
you can reject me anytime you want...
but you didn't do it...
why???

its ok...
as long as you didn't answer me...
i will wait...
wait...
and wait...
until you give me the answer...
and even the answer...
might hurt me...
i will never regret it...
honestly...

haha...
my beloved friend...
i know you are so hot with me at the moment you read this post...
i cannot blame you...
you can...
like you told me before...
i admit all of it...
true...
but...
i can't...
i wish i can do as what you had suggest to me...
maybe one day...

yes...
as i told you my friend...
i will choose friendship compared to my love relationship...
i will and always choose my friend...
but in this case...
i am too blind...
i am too dumb...
i also don't know why i am like this...
i let my self be love's slave...
i let my self being bullied by love...
i am lost in this battle...

to my beloved friend...
thank you for listening to my story...
although it is not a nice story...
if other people,they will say i am a bored person...
because always keep telling the story...
but you never say anything...
from the beginning...
until now...
thanks a lot my friend...

i promised to you, readers...
and you, my beloved friend...
and you, my dear...
and my self...
i will try to change my self...
to be a better human...