MUCHAS GRACIAS..

just now,when I'm doing my reading,"fat", suddenly something pop out from my mind..
and i don't know why now.. when I'm doing my reading..
i just wondering..
why don't i realized about that from the beginning..

the fact that u always with me..
the fact that I'm never alone..
the fact that u always try to make me feel better..
the fact that u don't want to hurt me..
the fact that I'm too much since the beginning..
the fact that I'm always make u sad..
the fact that my words always hurt u..
the fact that u are the one who i find when i got probs..
the fact that u always want the best for me..

but i didn't realize that..

I'm so sorry for my arrogant..
I'm so sorry for my ignorance..
I'm so sorry for hurting u..
I'm so sorry for being too much to u..
I'm so sorry for not be careful with my words..
I'm so sorry for not realizing about it from the beginning..
I'm so sorry for everything..

but i still wondering why..
why u still standing there..
even after everything i had done to u..

u still standing there as if nothing happened..
u still standing there as if i never hurt u..
u still standing there as if i treat u well from the beginning..
u still standing there listening to me..
u still standing there giving me advice..
u still standing there for me..
u still standing there for me..
u still standing there for me..

from the beginning..
never give up..
pretending nothing happened..
pretending..
pretending..
and keep pretending..
as if everything is fine..

i still wondering why..
but i don't know
and i don't want know the reason u still standing there..

one thing came out from my heart..

THANK YOU FOR STILL STANDING NEXT TO ME..
THANK YOU FOR STANDING FOR ME..
I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT..
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART..

TERIMA KASIH..
THANKS A LOT..
MUCHAS GRACIAS..
SYUKRAN JAZILAN..
KAMSAMIDA..



~from the bottom of heart a person who never realize the facts,he never be alone from the beginning~

the art of letting go...

boy : I saw her today
girl: I saw him today
boy : it seems like its been forever
girl: I wonder if he still cares
boy : she looks better than before
girl: I couldn't stop staring at him
boy : I asked how things were going
girl: I asked about his new girlfriend
boy : I can't even look at her without crying
girl: he couldn't even look at me
boy : I told her I miss her
girl: he didn't mean that
boy : I mean it
girl: he doesn't mean it
boy : I love her
girl: he loves his new girlfriend
boy : I held her for the last time
girl: he gave me a friendly hug
boy : then I went home and cried
girl: then I went home and cried

boy : I lost her
girl: I love him


put away the pictures
put away the memories
I put over and over
through my tears

I've held them till I'm blind
they kept my hope alive
as if somehow that might keep you here
once you believe in a forevermore

how do you leave in a drawer?
now here it comes
the hardest part of all
unchain my heart that's holding

how do I start
to live my life alone
guess I'm just learning
learning the art of letting go

try to say it's over
say the word goodbye
but each time it catches
in my throat

you still here in me
and I can't set your free
so I hold on
to what I wanted most

maybe someday we'll be friends
forevermore
wish I could open up that door

now here it comes
the hardest part of all
unchain my heart that's holding on

how do I start,
to live my life alone?
guess I'm just learning
learning the art of letting go

watching us fade
what can I do?
but try to make it through pain
one more day
without you

where do I start,
to live my life alone
I guess I'm learning,
only learning,
learning the art of letting go....


*xde kena mengena antara hidup dan mati..
*just a song..

kata orang...

kata orang,
kita tak rasa kehadiran seseorang
melainkan orang itu sudah tak ada di depan kita

kata orang,
sakit akan terubat bila berjumpa penawarnya
rindu akan terubat bila ketemu orang yang dirindui

kata orang,
kita tak rasa kehadiran seseorang
namun bila mereka tiada
kita rindu kita sayang

kata orang,
masa itu emas
namun
kenapa kita tak pernah menghargainya

kata orang,
kita tak nampak pintu kebahagiaan yang terbuka luas di depan kita
melainkan pintu pintu lain sudah tertutup buat kita
namun semuanya dah terlambat
kerna pintu yang selama ini terbuka untuk kita sudah diambil orang

kata orang,
kita sangat beruntung sebab ada komuniti yang besar
datang bersama-sama
namun
siapa tau hakikatnya

kata orang,
sambung blajar di luar sangat best
namun hakikatnya
terseksa jiwa dan raga

kata orang,
ini salah dan yang itu betul

sampai bila kita nak dengar kata orang???
bila kita nak mula mendengar kata hati???

*saja ja tulis..
*tak dak keja..

too much things to write...

it have been a very long period i didn't post anything.. well, i guest i am too bored right now.. therefore i decided to post something.. now, i am in my house, my hometown.. no longer in Ridzuan condo.. yeah!! finally i am home after 3 months.. but how long i can stay in my hometown? how much time left for me to spend with my family? a month? two months? i don't think that it is enough and it will never be enough.. roughly, 12 months struggling in Taylors.. two months in my hometown.. and it gonna be 4 years abroad before i can finish my degree.. TIME..

i ended my pre-u last week.. although it is a good thing, it still brings sadness.. yes!! it is a good thing because finally i managed to end my busy life.. no more assignment.. no more lecture.. no more project.. no more quiz.. no more test.. no need to go to college anymore.. no more study(even it just for a while).. what a relief.. i did felt sad.. sad because I need to separate with my course mates.. sad because I need to separate with my best friends.. sad because I need to leave Ridzuan condo.. my roommates.. my housemates(although we seldom speak to each others).. sad because I have to leave Taylors.. sad because no assignment.. no quiz.. no test.. no project.. no class.. no more busy life.. I wish that I could have more TIME in Taylors..

I started to miss Taylors.. I started to miss my lecturers.. Miss Ho Yen Yen(two semesters with her, my mentor).. Mr Les(the most sporting lecturer).. Miss Trina(I really2 miss her).. Miss Ungku Nazli(lovely lecturer,loves to share experiences).. Mr Tan Swee Chuan aka Jackie Chan(thanks to him, I fall in love with physics).. Ms Kimberley(full of motivations, her words always cheer me up).. I miss my roommates and ex-roommates.. Buuk(future doctor, kind of brother to me).. Bazly(he always miss me, my second brother).. Hazim aka buncis(in Australia right now).. Akmal aka Boyan(also in Australia, miss his jokes).. Seto(DOTA expert).. I miss the moment we play DOTA together(although I don’t really know how to play it).. I learnt DOTA from them.. they were too nice to me.. I will never forget them.. forever..

I started to miss my friends especially my best friends.. Xiao Wei.. she always there when I need her.. thanks to her, I managed to handle my life in Taylors.. thanks ya because always lending your ears listen to my bored, weird story.. and thanks for the dinners too.. my two male friends.. Hilmi and Izzat.. they always with me during my study.. even when I want to go anywhere.. we always together.. and thanks for giving me great memory during my birthday.. so long Albertians.. another two female friends.. Ishmah(my sis) and Ana(she teaches me how to accompany a girl shopping).. I should know both of u in 1^st semester.. both of u are mirror of myself.. that’s why we can walk and spend time together.. wishing both of u best of luck.. don’t be sad because Malaysia needs you.. my other friends.. each of you guys is a piece of puzzle of my life.. my puzzle will never complete if one of you guys lost.. each of you guys colours my life.. thank you for being part of my life..

its my right!!!

it just 8 days before i finish my study in Taylors.. 8 days to study.. 5 days for final exam.. 6 days for graduation.. overall, max only 20 days to go before i leave Taylor's world.. the world that teach me a lot about teenage life.. the world that prepares me before i go into adult's world.. the world that gives me a lot of happiness.. the world that makes me crazy.. the world that broke my heart.. =p

Taylor's life.. i gonna miss u.. the more my day in Taylors.. the more happiness i get.. im suffering more also.. and im crazier.. in short, Taylors world is everything i have other than my family.. leave it means that.. i lost a piece of my life.. but well.. it will be replace with university's life.. university.. sigh.. i dont know what to say.. sometimes i wish i never come here.. i wish i never receive offer to continue my study abroad.. well.. it is my destiny.. HE knows what is the best for me..

about university.. why didn't i choose U of Alberta to continue my study? why did i choose Trent? U of A is a better university compared to Trent.. the ranking between both universities are too far.. in fact, i can say that U of A is much much much much much better than Trent.. U of A is a lot bigger than Trent.. the only advantage continue study in Trent is i can get more money from my scholar because Alberta is not an urban area.. lower living cost..

Trent, among the most small university in Canada i ever heard.. i have been mentioned by Mike, one of the lecturer in Trent, that the ratio between lecturer and student is 20++.. isn't that fantastic? i can have better coaching from my lecturer.. well, at least i would not feel so shy to talk to my lecturer since he/she knows me..

Trent located in Ontario.. nearby Quebec.. if im not mistaken, there is a river between the campuses.. wow.. incredible.. fabulous.. i can enjoy myself with the nature when im stress.. in fact, i can do my research there..

well.. 2 je la psl uni.. sbnrnye aku tulis last month.. hehe.. sampai lupa nk smbg.. maybe after this my blog will be mixed language.. english n malay.. aku jeles tgk ainil tulis psl kisah die di taylors.. pasni aku akn tulis.. haha..

as a man

i am not strong enough physically and mentally.. yes.. as a man, people expected to see somebody who are strong and brave.. physically and mentally.. most of the time i feel like i am too weak.. too weak compared to other man..

i cant even stand for something very simple.. although i have plenty of friends, it doesnt mean all of them care about me.. it doesnt matter for me if they dont care about me, but please do not hurt me.. maybe sometimes i am too sensitive..

you want to know why? because of the pressures around me.. friends.. life as a teenage.. my family.. life as colleague.. everything seems want to stress me..

thats why sometimes i choose to silent.. for me, silent is one of the best way to overcome anything.. any problem.. but it has its own disadvantage.. when i am silent, i cant express my feeling and it will always hunting me..

i hate this kind of feeling.. i wish i can have another person in my self.. means two soul in a body.. yeah.. it is a ridiculous idea but i cant stand anymore.. i need someone to talk to.. i cant silent forever.. haha.. i am getting mad.. i am mad because of my self..

i wish i have hamsters.. at least i got somebody to talk to although hamsters will never talk.. somebody to listen to my story.. somebody to listen my cry..

yeah.. although i am a guy.. i can cry.. it have been a while i didnt cry.. it is not i dont want but i cant.. something stop me from crying.. this week.. last sunday.. i almost cry.. i miss my family very much..

and i cant do anything.. i just can talk to them once in a while.. i cant let they know that i miss them so much.. if not.. my mum's tears will drop if she know that i miss my family so much and i cant even go home.. and i almost cry last sunday.. i feel like i need them very much.. i can only be with them while they are still alive.. but i wasted the time.. for my education.. for me dream.. for my parents dream..

i feel like i cant for graduation day anymore.. because on that day.. my parent will come and watch me on the stage, receiving my certificate.. the best moment of my life.. i wish it will come true..

not only that.. if i fly to canada this coming autumn, i will keep my money a bit.. by month.. so that my whole family can see my graduation.. i will make sure they will attend it.. but what can we do.. i just can plan it.. and only God can decide it..

yes.. my post.. always show how weak i am until i cant stand anymore.. i need to write to express my feeling because i choose to silent my self.. yeah.. life is not always what we hope.. even that, i wish i can have better life in future.. life with less problem..

my principle before fly:
i will fly if and only if i can control my homesickness..
i will fly if and only if we are not going to meet each other again..

i don't know what to say...

i don't know how to start.. maybe this time i should not talk about my heart condition.. ya.. i know.. although i am not feeling well physically and emotionally, lets forget about it for a while.. other things first..

first of all, my second IELTS.. adoi.. overall not bad.. but.. the reading paper really tough.. honestly.. i read the passages.. but i don't know what i am reading about.. i don't know where to find the answers.. it is not only me.. most of my friend also.. listening part, not so bad.. the first two part,i still can understand what they are talking about.. when it comes to the third part, oh my god.. i lost for the first 3 questions of the third part.. you want to know why??? because both speaker using different slang.. one use Canada slang where not a big problem to me but another one, seems like she use Australian or US slang.. well.. what can i say.. i am retaking it because i want to get better result.. hmm.. we will see the result within 2 weeks..

secondly, about my graduation this coming June.. i don't know what to say.. maybe you guys will think that i am a selfish son.. i don't care what people want to say.. what i know is, i would like to see my parent in the ceremony, my FIRST graduation.. i had told my parent about the graduation ceremony.. and they promised me that they will try their best to be in the ceremony.. hehe.. my first graduation, i want they to be there especially my dad because i want them to see their son on the stage, together with other people's son and daughter.. i want to make them proud.. proud of my success.. i want to prove that what they had done for me since i was born is WORTHY.. therefore, my dad, my mum, although i know that you guys will never read this, let my friends who read this blog, be the witness that I will make sure my self be a successful son and a good person.. i will do whatever i can to make you proud..

thirdly, my study.. adoi.. i don't know how to start.. so far,my results are not bad.. actually i should be in really bad condition because i got a BAD mark for my latest geometry test.. but i don't know what happened to my sense and my feeling.. i felt nothing the moment i received the paper.. so weird.. i know that my mark will drop, but i still can relax.. whatever.. i will fix it.. i still have time.. about my English.. well.. the play King Lear really interesting.. i love the plot.. although it is quite bored when read it in class, the story line really make me love it.. well,William Shakespeare wrote it.. hehe.. my physics? hmm.. how to say.. test? hehe.. maybe i will receive the paper tomorrow.. only if my lecturer,Mr Tan finished checked it.. i wish that my result will be great because.. i don't know.. i feel like i started to love physics.. it really an interesting subject.. maybe i should change my course after this, from biostudent to engine student.. hehe..

last but not least.. my projects.. for all subject.. English? well.. part one of CPT done and i had received the mark.. wow.. not a bad although i didn't get full mark.. Geometry? hmm.. i am glad to be in the same group with Ungku Hafiz and Dzulhafizi.. hehe.. why? because they gave a very good cooperation.. really satisfy me although i am not the mastermind.. well,at least they always give respond when i am asking them.. my physics? hoho.. i don't know what to say and i don't want to say anything.. why? haha.. because i don't know who is the leader of my group.. but.. everything they ask me.. as if i am the mastermind.. am i??? if yes, i wonder why.. when i am planning to do physics discussion, you guys want to do your geometry project.. ok.. i followed you guys.. i gave you guys time.. but as soon as i started to do my geometry project, suddenly.. out of blue.. you guys asking me about the physics progress.. asked me when did "we" should discuss.. haha.. isn't that obvious??? you guys don't know anything and don't care about it..
adoi.. if like this, susah la.. how can i know everything?? how can i do everything on my own?? you guys leave it to me for a month.. without asking anything.. some of them did.. and then suddenly asked me about the progress.. haha.. what a lovely question.. i am not a robot.. i am still a normal human.. i don't know what you guys thinking about, but PLEASE.. i am begging you guys.. PLEASE give full cooperation.. we are lack of idea.. and we only have one month for it.. one month to do everything.. plan it, make it, do lab report about it.. and i really concern about this project because it really affect our final result.. whatever la.. i wish that i can finish both on time..

well.. this time.. i think.. i manage to overcome my feeling.. hehe.. i will try my best not to write about it anymore.. and.. thanks guys.. spending your time reading my blog.. see ya!!